Neither Here Nor There.

Tonight’s scene is a long transit at the airport, and with a glass of wine at hand, it’s easy for the mind to get carried away with an overflowing thought process that sometimes manifests into a word archive, like this one.

Tonight is not the night for a carefully curated travel post, but a live feed of thoughts that’s been silently brewing of late. It is a train of thoughts in its rawest form, that I attempt to process and write (with proper grammar) as they flash by in a blur, all while I sit here counting down the hours till I step foot on familiar grounds, or is it?

It didn’t hit me in the earlier years, but the longer you live away from home, the more unsure you are of your sense of belonging.

As I mentioned, this feeling has been slowly creeping in, escalating especially over the last few days leading up to my return. It has been stronger of late, probably because I have only just gotten over the initial exciting years of living abroad. I still make an effort to visit home each year, but being absent for most part of the years amplifies changes, no matter how big or small they may be.

It is never a question of not acknowledging your roots –  Sure, you can confidently affirm the place you come from and the details of your growing up, but the continuous cycle of leaving an returning sporadically has a tendency to cause a dissociation of some sort. The places you once knew every nook and cranny by heart, the people you’ve known almost your whole life, the surety of the comfort you had with this familiar environment… may falter, somewhat.

Sometimes, I experience an internal struggle as this feeling is gradually compounded with efforts of trying to build a new life elsewhere. Starting afresh gives you room to become your own identity, but on the downside, the lack of personal history and character in a new place means that I can’t quite call it Home just yet. 

In this current state of being neither here nor there, it is mostly an exciting experience, sometimes confusing with the odd twinge of sadness that arises from missing the familiarity of home. In this case, I am in a constant limbo between my past and present, and as unsure as I am in this current phase of life, I remind myself to make the best of both worlds.

It is only a matter of time before I gradually find a footing where I truly belong.